


Zelena's Hen House

by Krustybunny



Series: OUAT One Shots and Drabbles [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, and its just a stupid thing, this accompanies "Weekends With Dad"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 10:37:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11355744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krustybunny/pseuds/Krustybunny
Summary: So there was this Captain Charming Group Prompt... and Onceuponataarna said things and this stupid addition to the prompt came out. Go yell at her for this.





	Zelena's Hen House

**Zelena's Hen House**

* * *

It certainly wasn't her fault that the farmhouse had become a weekly gathering point for the single and lonely. Zelena wasn't even sure when the event escalated to what it currently was. She wasn't likely to stop it anytime soon either, not with what she was gaining from hosting every weekend.

* * *

" _It'll be fine Zelena. Robyn needs to be socialized, by more than just you. She'll need friends in school, and the more familiar she is with the Charming's the more she'll trust one of them during the next crisis. Granny can't live forever… I don't think. And technically, the Charming's are your extended family."_

" _All Robyn needs is me." Desperation seethed through her deeper than any green skin she could still possess. She would show them, someone could love her, she would be a better mother than either one of hers._

_Regina's face softened, likely knowing the pain that always bloomed at the thought of being alone. "You're right, all she needs is you. But why limit her to just you when you can give her a whole family? Give her more than what either of us had."_

_Regina being right was right up there with Snow preaching about hope. Irritatingly timely. So with reluctance, Zelena knocked on the door to the Charming's farmhouse; privately tearing it down plank by plank in comparison to her own. Mary Margaret answered, confusion furrowing her brow. Replaced with smile and an open invitation to weekend playdates with her own boy once Zelena had managed to ask the actual question._

_It was one such weekend when no one answered the door, and Zelena was pressed for time to finish a potion at home. (Curly hair wasn't as voluminous as hers without magical help.) David was surely out somewhere on the grounds tending whatever it was he tended. With a huff, she transported herself and her toddler to him._

" _Bloody hell, I've seen better aiming from an elderly blind man. I'm quite sure we've had the conversation regarding talking phones as well."_

_Her smoke cleared, but Zelena wasn't sure her eyes were working. Both the Prince and the Pirate were stripped to the waist, sweaty, and slightly dirty. She couldn't have stopped the perusal if she wanted, not that she wanted to. Both males alarmingly close to where she appeared._

" _Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes, but please, don't stop whatever it was you two were doing on my account."_

_Killian snorted and turned back to his work, which let his skin dance prettily over taut muscles. Zelena didn't care if he was dismissing her or showing off, not with the display being what it was. She shook her head with a happy sigh, turning to David who was still leaning on his shovel. A few words later, Zelena was headed home child free and with a few new fantasies to think on._

* * *

It didn't take much to find out that the pirate frequently helped on the weekends prior to the family dinner Regina was always inviting her to. Consequently, it didn't take much for Zelena to agree to go more often. It wasn't that she was interested in either male, but eye candy was eye candy, and Zelena was still single. A girl had needs after all. Apparently the women of Storybrooke had needs as well.

* * *

_A weekend came when Zelena couldn't get her half-dressed fix of manly yumminess –Regina taking Robyn while Zelena wrangled a blasted cold– and a potion induced restlessness took hold, sending Zelena into a fit of exerting more energy than she likely had to shake off the cabin fever clambering in her head. Her barn as old and half in shambles, therefore electing itself as the perfect target for her need to change something. It wasn't ever going to be used for the purpose it was built for, so the ideas to make it suit her personal desires came fast and hard in her brain. They hay was cleared, and the siding replaced with better wood. She left the gouged out sigil for her time travel spell, one could never know when it would become handy again. However it was made permanent with a layer of cement._

_On pain of death, Zelena would swear the next few moments were a blur and any decisions made was not to be blamed on her. But before the hour was up, the very bare west wall was covered in the biggest mirror in all of Storybrooke._

_She wasn't kinky in that way, but she did enjoy a healthy dollop of gossip._

_A chair, a footstool, an endless glass of ice tea, and a bowl of green grapes later… well she was moderately happy watching the local farming channel. Namely, the Prince and Pirate puttering around the farm sweating wonderfully into their shirts._

_So she was a little kinky in that way._

_It became a bit of a ritual, winding down after a crisis with a viewing of the Charming farm. Ice tea and grapes would switch to wine and chocolates if Zelena was feeling the mood for it. And no one the wiser of her voyeuristic habits. Well no one until she was on a pram walk with her daughter and she said something to little Robyn within earshot of Granny. Which was unfairly about a block away._

_Suddenly a warmth of welcome from the women of Storybrooke started arriving at her barn door when she was relaxing in front of her favorite mirror. Pies and casseroles and handcrafted items all brought over under the pretense of innocent friendship, shocked gasps of what was glimpsed if Zelena wasn't quick enough to close the viewing. It stung a little, knowing these females were pretending friendship to ogle a couple men through a mirror. But when the husbands of these women started showing up to fix one thing or another around the farmhouse, Zelena brushed the sting away. If the women of this town were willing to press their husbands into duty for the trade of some viewing privileges of husbands not their own… well she felt no right to judge._

* * *

Now? Now it looked like a small coven arriving on the weekends to her barn. All women knowing to keep their mouths shut to gossip unless they wanted the Wicked Witch to make a comeback. Occasionally other men were show cased when the Charming and Jones families were occupied, but the Prince and the Pirate were certainly the favorites. More so when Zelena would cause just a small incident to make them bend and sweat a little more.

All good things end as the saying goes. All villains get caught out. Zelena wasn't surprised when Regina walked in one afternoon to the barn half full of chattering women with David and Killian fixing a fence line playing out above their heads. It took perhaps half a word from the mouth of the Evil Queen to make the rabble scatter. (Letters went out later that day to remind these women not to repeat the offense.) A phone call brought on the Savior's white smoke with her mother in tow. Zelena knew by this point that an apology did little in her favor, but blunt and open honesty of how the situation spiraled away from her with a few bonuses to herself got moderate understanding.

It wasn't right to watch married men, it wasn't right to peep on men period. It wasn't right to let the women of the town buy her off, those women weren't trying to be friendly if they were using her abilities to do wrong. So on and so forth, and Zelena knew it all, she just wasn't sure she cared. She wouldn't do it anymore, not wanting to push what little trust they had in her. But to be truly sorry? Well, that was just a stretch.

She was still half listening to Regina rant on when a rustling from the west wall caught her attention. With a leg thrown over the arm of a chair, Emma Swan was comfortably plopped in front of the mirror. Popping the finger foods of the day into her mouth as she watched her man work hard. Mary Margaret followed suit, sitting next to Emma and pouring them both some tea.

Zelena's eyes widened. "Well that's a twist."

"And just a bit sick, our family tree doesn't exactly branch out normally as it is."

Emma's hand rose and waved them off. "There's nothing wrong with me watching my own husband do some hard labor."

Regina crossed her arms, leaning back on her heels. "But everything wrong with watching your father, who is right in front of you too."

The blonde head shook the negative, "Not watching that."

"I am though…" Mary Margaret said as she looked over her shoulder with a grin.

"Well this is perfectly hypocritical; didn't you all just finish telling me how wrong it is to do what you're doing now?"

Mom and daughter shrugged in unison before Emma piped up again. "Our husbands. We are allowed to watch them."

Regina gagged next to Zelena. "This is beneath all of you, even you Emma."

"Careful Regina. Killian's told me a few things of what's been 'beneath you' in the past."

Zelena could have stopped the giggle out of respect for her sister, she just didn't want to.

Mary Margaret waved the Mills sisters over, "Come on you two. It's rude to stand up when the company has settled in."

Zelena gaped. "Again with the hypocrisy. Those aren't our husbands, but we're allowed to watch?"

Mary Margaret shrugged once more, "Just this once. Honestly Zelena, if all you wanted was a hen party, you could have just asked."

* * *

_Killian looked up from the wooden beam he was hammering into place, his skin itching with warning of something hidden. His eyes scanned the trees, looking for trouble that always seemed to find the town. They scanned the skies and the horizon, looking for a storm or a change of the wind. Something, anything to explain the need to be so alert._

_David grunted. "This thing isn't getting any lighter Killian."_

_Finding nothing, Killian shook his head. "Sorry mate. The air felt charged with impending danger."_

_David grunted again. "You've been saying that for weeks. I think you're just too used to someone out to kill you. Have you tried those tapes I gave you?"_

_Killian bent back to his work. "Dave, my house isn't too far from the shoreline, and I still have the Jolly. Why would I listen to some bad recording of the very thing I can simply walk to or sail on?"_

_David chuckled, "Jeez, try to help a guy out…"_


End file.
